ramblings of a wannabe rockstar

I’m at the airport right now. Headin’ up to Utah to hang out with the folks for a few days near Park City. It’ll be a nice time. Raquel was going to stay home this weekend but she ended up scoring a fantastic fare to go see her folks in Seattle. She left a little more than an hour ago. And my flight is delayed. So, there that is. We’re both out. It should be a nice time. I’ll try to post some pics.

I am officially declaring this song, Glory, by Umphrey’s McGee my official theme song. I hope they decide to play this tune when they come to Dallas in November. Anyone want to go to this show with me?

This post will also serve as the first in an ongoing series of songs that have somehow inspired me, moved me, or otherwise rocked me. I will share part or all of one song each week that has one or any combination of said characteristics. This week, kicking things off, is of course, Glory.

There are so many things about the title of this song that are appropriate. This is why it has become my theme song. Oh, and it effing rocks too. Enjoy!

John Mayer’s new album, Continuum, is amazing. Easily his best.

And yet, have you ever noticed how frustrated we can be with the need to grow? From childhood, we are anxious to be better, stronger, faster, smarter, and don’t want to have to wait for it. As humans, we resist the reality that we must move so slowly from a place of incompetence to effectiveness, from clumsiness to acumen and hate the fact that there is often so much pain along the way. We long to be complete now, and not have to struggle through the process of becoming, whether that process is physical, intellectual or spiritual.

The above quote was written by my dear friend and former mentor, Dan Radmacher in an article on growth posted at his church’s Web site. I thought it might give way to the following thoughts.

I just re-read my entry from Sunday night about what happened at my job last week. Here’s the deal. I think what happened sucks. I don’t like that it happened, how it happened, or even when it happened. However, I have no one to blame but myself for allowing it to happen (queue up the classic Led Zep tune, Nobody’s Fault But Mine). Sure, it’s easy for me to think about the scenarios that might have put the events of last week into action and pin the blame on certain people, but ultimately, all of this could have been avoided by my being more careful…regardless of its seeming significance.

I think that sometimes when I write, I can get overly melodramatic or whiny. But at times I get thoroughly introspective and this frequently rears itself at the end of fulfilling ocasions when I start thinking about going back into less-than-fulfilling times. It’s interesting to look at my post from Sunday night and contrast it to the small happy-go-lucky paragraph underneath my picture over to the right under Author. The thing is…I really do have it good. But what happened last week blew me away. I wasn’t expecting any of it and it stung quite a bit to have one of the things I hold in high esteem about who I am challenged in great detail. I found myself really going back and forth pretty frequently on many of the items I discussed on Sunday night…and I believe rightfully so.

Some of you might wonder why the eff this is such a big deal to me…I mean, it’s just a job…if you don’t like it, leave it, and find something else that will work. My answer to that? Because I highly regard most of the people with whom I work and to think that this might not have been reciprocated — if even for a short time — was, at best, disappointing.

But here’s the deal: this is a part of growth. I have entered a time in my life where I have elected to be challenged on a spiritual level and this, I think, will render some growth on a completely cognitive level as well…physical and intellectual growth. What happened last week, I think, set some of this into motion. And I say bring it on! I am using this as an opportunity to commit myself to being the best I know I can be, including (and for the coming weeks, especially) in my workplace. Not for my boss…as good a friend as he may be, or his boss, or her husband, but for myself as an act of worship to my Creator and by extension, an act of love to my wife.

I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. What I posted on Sunday was a vent and that’s all it was intended to be…which is okay, I think…it is my blog. I don’t feel sorry for myself, and aside from the inital sting and confusion of what transpired, I don’t think I ever have. What I desire is for you to continue to pray for me and to continue to lift me up like you always do. I know you will. And I will continue to do the same for you…all of you.

Thanks for reading.

Man…despite a fine relaxing weekend with Raquel in San Antonio and Hutto, and then continued relaxation and sweetness on Tuesday for our two-year anniversary, I returned to work on Wednesday to have the shit day of all shit days when a seemlingly insignificant mistake I committed blew up in my face and very nearly resulted in the termination of my 5+ years of employment at that company.

I have gone back and forth several times since then going between being pissed off at all the parties involved–mostly myself for allowing this to happen–and letting it go in the Christian spirit of unity and forgiveness, being completely wrenched up inside at times and at others being completely at peace, and a whole slew of other thoughts and emotions.

I feel like I want to write something about this.  About where I stand right now.  About how/if this will affect the personal relationships I have with coworkers outside the office.  But frankly, I don’t know anything about any of those things.  All I know is that things are different than they used to be.  Which takes me back to the conflicting feelings I mentioned above.  Wrenching.  Peace.  Sadness.  Pride.  Anger.  Forgiveness.

I wonder if I should have even written this.

I would just like to say that, in my opinion, Andre Agassi is a badass of the highest order. Did anyone see that match he played last night against Baghdatis? That was one of the best sporting events I have ever witnessed. In the words of John McEnroe, “Unbelieveable!”